This isn’t what you’d think.
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
I normally don't post blogs unless I'm trying to get a straight point across, or unless I am confessing something; but I felt the need to post one for people to understand me on a better level. Most people won't even take the time to read this, but for the people that do, I appreciate it, because it means you are willing to learn more about a person that you may either know extremely well already or, maybe not well at all. Either way, I believe that if I can learn something from writing it, you can learn something from reading it.
I am first of all a very people oriented person in more ways than one. The people involved in my everyday routine, and even a one day thing, influence me more than enough. I base a lot of things I do socially, and I also tend to worry about peoples feelings more than I let on. Whether I like you as a person or not. I still worry. Even though I do care about others, I am still very selfish. and Many people don't see that. Mostly because I brush it aside. I may honestly try to manipulate a situation in my favor, but most of the time, I'll feel bad and try to give others what they want, regardless of my feelings. That is mainly the reason why I get so much happiness when others think of me outside of the normal routine I see them in, when they see something and think of me. I like to be thought of, acknowleged by others; and I like to think it isn't just a facade on their part. I try to let people see me on a deeper level than I appear to many, and most of the time I am completely unsuccessful. To a lot of people I appear annoying, unintelligent, and extremely superficial; and that bothers me more than any one person can even begin to understand. I find it extremely irritating that some people can be so ignorant, and only bother to try and understand the most simple approach to a person, when there are so many different aspects to one individual alone. I have realized in a short amount of time it seems, that I have even been ignorant enough not to understand even myself as well as I do at the moment I am writing this. Even as I type now though, I have doubt that I may not post this. Even though I know I most likely will because it has been so time consuming, while I honestly SHOULD be doing my physics homework. I'm constantly worrysome about the image I give off, and it gets in the way of the things I do. I stress about minute things, and I do know that that gets annoying. It isn't that thought that seems to be the weird part. I stress over things I can change in an instant. Like my grades in school. I'm so much more stressed about them than I let on, yet I still don't fully do what I am supposed to till the last minute. I procrastinate to an extreme. On things that I KNOW I should do as soon as possible. and I make promises to people often that I forget to keep more often than sometimes. Nontheless I make them because I have the intentions of doing them. because I truely want to. I just don't understand yet what gets in the way of the actual task. but so far I'm pretty sure it is laziness.
I am also extremely random at times. Not because I am "A.D.D." but because my mind works faster than my words do. I speak before reflecting. This is the trait I honestly think makes people assume I am stupid. and I don't discount that completely, because many times, I DO say some stupid things. I lack common sense. I may know a lot about other things but common sense will always be something I will lack. I also believe in sticking to my original plans and thoughts, and it is probably rare that I'll change them based on another's beliefs. This also conflicts with my "no common sense", because I argue, and even if i know I am wrong, I will still argue my point. and I can honestly say because of my wordiness, I convince people to believe what I want, and sometimes, It works. My beliefs do not change because of what others tell me, rather than what I myself think. Someone may put a thought in my head, but it isn't them that causes a change. It is myself, and my own speculations. I have strong beliefs in certain things, and I could also care less about others; and I hate it when people doubt I will follow through with something I know deep down I will. It bothers me more when others have doubt in me, rather than it is only myself. I can always be reassured if it is only me, because as I stated earlier, I am still strongly influenced by others. only, not enough to change who I am.
Another touchy subject. Who I am. It isn't something I misunderstand, only, something I question often. and who doesn't? but, I mean it in more ways than one. Often I feel like I have to prove myself, and when i try, i feel like i can't be something many people understand or want to understand. I feel like I am overlooked, and I often doubt whether or not who i am is good enough. I don't and haven't had many relationships, and I know it isn't everything, but it isn't because I can't. It is because I don't want any of the ones I have been offered I guess you can say. I pick at everything until it is unbearable on my part, and it ends, just as quickly as it usually begins. I like the thrill of the chase, and when I finally catch what I'm after I don't know what to do with myself. I go from having an extremely good attitude about something, to shifting completely to a pessimistic side, and it isn't simply refering to a relationship anymore. I guess I do it with a lot of things. I'm just always so afraid that when I reach the high I'm after, That there is always going to be something bad coming. and I never let anything stay good for long. I'm working on fixing that though. and I am learning to let things play out. and see how they go on their own, and so far it is working. Recently I haven't let things bother me like they normally would, and it has kept me a lot more stress free. haha something I apparently don't handle well.
I don't let people see when I am truely stressed. That would be my introversion. I feel like if I honestly tel people what bothers me the most, that they won't truly understand the full extent of my problem, and it will only irritate me more. I don't trust easily when it comes to my feelings. and at the same time I trust way too much. I give people so much more credit than they deserve most of the time, and I don't give myself enough. I don't trust my own feelings enough, and I always need a second opinion. That also can get extremely annoying.
I have now realized at this point, no one else will probably bother to read this whole thing. but I'm not so much doing it for everyone else at this point. I'm doing it for me. because I take a weird internal pride at things like this, that help me realize my own potential to grow as an individual. I hold on to things that help me grow, or have helped me grow in the past. I'm sentimental, and a sort of pack rat. and I hold on to things that sometimes SHOULD be let go of. but I believe that if I let go even for a second, I will forget all together. and it scares me. actually, a lot of things scare me. I let that fear control things I say, and i know that it reflects in my manurism, even though most people don't see that, maybe because they don't know it is there, but.. regarless, it is.
I guess, I do kind of have a point for this. and maybe I don't. I'm not fully sure, but, people over look things. Even I overlook things, even if i consider myself much more observant. I'll admit, sometimes i DO only see what I want. and I also know that this could go on far longer than any blog will let me write. so I'm stopping where I am, content. that I know most people will take one look at this and say forget it. ahha and that's fine, because this IS kinda a personal thing. and I am glad I did it. but it helps me realize not many, if any at all, know me. not even I fully understand yet, so i can't really expect anyone else to either. but, I hope this at least helps. and maybe It won't be as overlooked as I think. I just hope people realize that there is a lot more to people, and not just myself, that others don't see.
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swt_disaster's journal
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